I have been popping pills for 179 days. Make no mistake, before that I also used an extraordinary amount of Oxazepam (tranquillisers). It is probably about more than a year ago that I did not need, or at least, take any pills. But since I started taking Citalopram I have had exactly 179 in varying doses.

It has been quite a bumpy ride, these 179 days. I started out with a total medication phobia, where I was afraid to even take 5 milligrams, for fear it might kill me. The first day I took the pill I actually cut myself with the medicine cutter. This is like a mini guillotine you use to cut your medication to sort of get to the dosage you are looking for. Of course, this resulted in massive anxiety about having too much drugs in my bloodstream. It was a great and fitting start.

The weeks after that, as reflected in posts from the past, were quite horrific. I think I left the house twice, both for a seemingly very important reason, but that was about it. I lost loads of sweat, kilo’s, tears, and what felt like years of my life, but survived. I think it took about six weeks of 20 mg to get to total stability again. I mean, my kind of stability, not “normal” people stability of course.

Then, I got stung by that unidentified insect and it all went to shit again. So I upped my antidepressants to 30 mg. I got told by my Doctor and Psychiatrist that since I was already on this medication the side-effects should be minimal. NOT TRUE, it was not as bad as the first weeks but it was still pretty bad. Also, when they tell you it takes two weeks for the medication to start working, try six, or even eight.

Which brings me to the happy news that since just a few days, I am feeling good. Of course, I have got this whole sorry mess called Life to deal with, which makes me quite sad and melancholic at times and very much so at this moment. It even has me wondering if my calm came too late. But, too late or not, at last it is here, the feeling that I can handle Living with a lot less anxiety then before.

Now it is nowhere near gone, imagine…, but I can keep it at bay, which is a lot more then I could do 179 days ago. So I am putting this down as a positive. Of course, I’ve got loads more exposure therapy to get through. Lucky me, this week is Metro week! So, me and my new found “calm” will ride the Metro through Amsterdam until we can’t ride no more.

There is one little thing that keeps nagging me though… what if an insect, or a UFO or a bloody whatever comes along, and I just loose it again. I cannot keep upping these meds. Or at least, I do not want to.

Ah great! I seem to have found something to fuck with my “calm”! Good to know I am still me.