Lately I have been quite insecure about a few too many things. Mainly about the way I look, the way I act and how my anxiety, mom-hood and ageing have changed me. I am wondering, how much of the me I used to be, is actually left now?
I think the insecurity started once I became a mom. There is the person I was before I became a mom and the version that came after. The latest version is made up of two me’s. One that stays at home and nests, changes diapers, gets puked on, cuddles endlessly and does all the other stuff that comes with taking care of the Kid. The other one just yearns and searches for the person I was. The carefree working all day, “fun” all night person that is now hidden and buried under all the mom stuff. The whole baby-weight thing also did not help but that still did not make me as insecure as not being able to be the me I was, before the Kid was born.
Then, 6 months into mom-hood, my anxiety disorder reared its ugly head again and I lost even more of the old me. Now it became physically and mentally impossible for me to leave the house and find out who I am. It also made me very insecure about how other people perceive me. When you always have to explain why you cannot come out, cannot stay, cannot drink too much and so on, it becomes embarrassing. How interesting or attractive am I, when I cannot join in the fun? Or at least not without breaking into an uncomfortable and usually quite fragrant panic sweat.
Now that I am getting better I have time to look at myself and, shocker, through all this I have gotten older. I have wrinkles, let’s just say from laughter, and some grey hairs that pop out on top of my head. I have never been much into make-up every day, or constantly looking in the mirror. Now, I still refuse to use a blow-dryer or anything electric on my face or hair but I am heavily into expensive creams that promise to keep my skin young. Also I use make-up most days, if I don’t, people ask me if I feel alright and why I look so tired. Yes it has come to that, this whole make-up palaver is a catch 22. You guys will probably be happy to know I also invested in some deodorant, all natural of course, and sometimes when I remember, I even use it.
I have to admit to taking an indecent amount of selfies lately. A bit of a study off myself to battle insecurity. Even though most of them I do not share, and just stare at to find something, some clue about who I am, some of them have wound up on my Instagram feed. Self-centred and attention seeking, but sometimes, apparently, I need someone on Instagram to like the way I look. Validation, sad but true.
Still, looks are the smallest issue in this conundrum. The question is: who am I now, after the shit-storm I found myself in is slowly calming down? I am not who I was, that is for sure. But who am I going to become? Something to figure out. At the moment, I am just a “crazy person with verbal diarrhoea” as my sister puts it (a family trait). And that should be good enough, for now..