Today is the 1st of December. The jolliest month of the year has started and so has the nightmare of figuring out with whom and how to spend these days. Christmas is usually quite easy, you hop from friends to family to friends, eat too much, watch All you need is Love and eventually pass out in a food-coma somewhere. But New Year’s Eve is a whole other kettle of fish.

Usually mid-November I get asked the dreaded question for the first time: “so, what are you going to do on New Year’s Eve?” The opposite of music to my ears, no idea what the opposite of music is.. maybe deafening silence? Anyway, not my idea of a fun question. Because who knows what they are going to do one and a half month from now on a cold winter night? I don’t, but for some reason when it comes to New Year’s Eve we all must have the greatest plans.

For me, and probably everybody, this has resulted in the best of nights and the worst of nights. I remember puking and crying my eyes out. Blowing up stuff with fireworks from Switzerland. Staying up well into the New Year and being extremely happy.

One especially memorable New Year I went to a warehouse party in an obscure part of Amsterdam that I had never been to before. That night we had the most dense and surreal fog I have ever seen. After a big fight about absolutely nothing with my friend I left and got lost in the fog for what felt like hours. Thankfully, somewhere in the mist, I found some people that told me the way to get home. I needed an hour shower to even notice warmth when I came home from that adventure. A lost night.

Three years ago, New Year’s Eve 2014/15 I had not succumbed to anxiety yet. I did just become a Mom 4 months before and the Kid was staying at my parents so we could go out. We were ecstatic. The first thing I did was smoke in the house, which I found disappointingly gross. After drinking some pretty messed up Scropino’s (more vodka than anything else) we went to a party in town. These drinks, and all drinks that night seemed to have opposite effects on us.

J. was having the time of his life, getting quite sloppy and trying to light a whole box of fireworks at once, while having very meaningful conversations with just about everyone. I, a new mom, also sloppy, was mostly worrying about the Kid. I realised I wanted to ring in the New Year being with him, or at least close to him. When we went to get the Kid the next day I was greatly relieved and did not spend a night without him for a very long time.

This is why the last two New Year’s I spend at my parent’s holiday home in the East of Holland where Calcium Carbide Shooting is the most action you get (see picture, it is nothing really..). It was nice and good for me and my raging anxiety. Playing games, eating oliebollen and knowing the kid was safe asleep close by.

These days I am more prosaic about New Year’s parties, let’s face it, I am old(ish). Still, the New Year does hold the promise of things to come. Change and doing better than in the old year I just stumbled through. These new possibilities should be celebrated with the people I love, the people I will experience the ridiculousness of Life with in the year to come (trust me I know how sugary I am sounding right now, sorry). So, maybe the New Year is important enough to start considering one and a half months before the actual event. My first resolution: this year I will not go to the East and hide out.

So ehm, what are you doing for New Year’s Eve?