New Year’s Intentions.

After hyperventilating myself through Christmas and hibernating through the lull before New Year’s Eve I actually dragged myself to a party for the happy occasion and promptly made it to bed at 00:05. I was there to see it happen though, 2018 is finally here!

2017 was quite a year, a year that kicked my ass, turned me and my life upside down and inside out, swallowed me whole and spit out whatever was left after it was done with me.  Yes, there was good stuff too, for sure, but overall it was pretty hard going. I survived though, a bit battle scarred and wobbly, but still standing. Very happy to put the old behind me and step into the new.

As ever, the New Year seems to bring endless opportunities for self-improvement and life changes. I have done the New Year’s resolutions big time in the past. Stop smoking, start going to the gym, eat less meat etc. etc. I have done it all, for a week or two. New Year’s resolutions never really worked for me.

I am not a very resolute person I guess. When I stop smoking for example, I do so for the foreseeable future. I never decide to do, or not do, anything forever. When I do say I will give up something forever, I immediately want said thing right now! When I feel forced to do something, even if it is by myself, I just get pissed off. I am pretty obstinate and stubborn I guess.

So, I am going for intentions this year, to not disappoint myself in two weeks’ time. Now I could list beating anxiety as one of my New Year’s intentions, but I will not. This is an ongoing battle that I must fight anyway whether I intend to or not. Anxiety is not something you can ever take lying down. Adrenaline and Cortisol will not let you. So, I will just keep on beating Anxiety, one attack at the time. I’ve got little to no choice in the matter.

I do have quite a lot of other intentions though, which is good, because I must be able to at least do a few of them. Here they are, listed in non-alphabetical, totally random order:

In 2018, I intend to:

Read those books that were gifted or lent to me and never got read because Wodehouse, Simenon and Christie are just too darn comforting. 

Eat peanut butter. Uhuh, that still did not happen.

Buy Shoes without feeling guilty. I have a lot more miles to go.

Not go off my pills or go on new ones. Citalopram seems to serve me ok enough. No rollercoaster rides in 2018.

Have more sex. 

Make the final decision on whether I am a blonde or a brunette. Seriously, this is something I worry about on a regular basis.

Go to more gigs.

Stop saying sorry all the fucking time. (Babette, I sincerely promise)

Go on a classic Southern European vacation with the Kid. 

Stop watching documentaries about the war on drugs and meth. Maybe a bit less crime shows too. It cannot be healthy.

Dance, dance, dance.

Gain weight, or at the very least, not lose more.

Keep my big mouth shut.. sometimes.

Board a plane and actually stay on it for the ride. Yep this happened, I once made a plane stop while they were already taxiing down the runway and forced the flight attendants to let me out. I might still be banned by EasyJet.

Be less insecure. 

Tell my therapist what I really think instead of just nodding along with her slightly confounding theories.

Assert something resembling authority over the Kid.

Consume more alcohol.

Have some patience with everything and everyone around me.

Keep writing.

Translate this list in Dutch for Shanna (my amazing friend and proof reader, by way of Google translate) before 2048.

So, yes, now that I read my intentions, I notice that I must come over quite shallow with my hair and my shoes, but I just don’t have any lofty intentions for now. Of course, I worry my ass off about the sorry state of the world but my list of intentions is obviously not for that. When and if I get some lofty inspiration, I will surely add it to the list.

That is about it, totally doable I would think.. for a normal person. I give peanut butter the least chance. We’ll see, onwards and upwards!

I would love to hear what your intentions are. Sound of in the comments!