The mind is insane sometimes. I cannot speak for others, but my mind can make its own truths. Even when I know something did not happen or is not going to happen, my mind somehow does not accept that. It seems to run on two tracks. Track one: “nothing is wrong with that plate of food, you made it yourself”. Track two: “what if I did actually put too much salt in it, like 47 teaspoons.. and I will die from this.”
Yes people, if you forgot through my last posts that I am actually mentally ill, then here is a gentle reminder. I still constantly think that things will kill me and get very anxious about them. Of course, I can go outside now and be social etcetera. But what happened is that my fears just shifted… towards food.
Anxiety tends to do that. Shift and change, find your weak spot. My sister said the other day that she was having a “cancer month”, meaning she was afraid she had cancer for the time being until the focus of her anxiety would shift to another topic.
Well, I am currently going through a period of severe Food Phobia. Which sucks, because I love food, all food. Making it, eating it, going out for it, you name it I love it.
I think it started with peanut butter. My favourite thing was rice crackers with peanut butter and hagelslag*. Until I read somewhere that you can get a Peanut allergy later in life. Well, Of course that would happen to me! So, no more Peanut Butter, or anything with peanuts. Mm Asian food does use a lot of peanuts, so no more dim sum lunches for me, no more lovely Thai food, etc. and that is how my world of food is becoming smaller and smaller.
Because then I read something about how salt can kill you. To be precise 47 teaspoons of salt will kill you. Thanks Google, I hate you. So, I now do not use salt. Nothing! Which makes my food quite bland. Ask my guests..
I can go on and on about this, like how I do not eat tomatoes because they make my mouth sting and my two-track mind thinks that I am allergic. Or how nobody can cook for me since I want to know exactly what is in the food. Super annoying. Or how last night I thought my chocolate cookies looked weird and even though I craved chocolate I could not eat them, which pissed of my sister, and rightly so.
The fact is that once again I am single handed making my world smaller than it should be. And in the process, I am missing out on great food and something that is a big part of my social life, a ritual that should be enjoyed.
I hate my mind sometimes, I really do. I wonder how this two tracking happens. Why, even when I absolutely know for a fact that something is not the case, l still cannot convince myself. Time for this phase to quickly move on and make way for another, let’s just hope it’s not fear of wearing clothes or something. Although in summer that might be ok..
Anyone have any ideas on how to battle this, or do you have a two-track mind yourself? I would love to hear about it!
* chocolate sprinkles, very Dutch.