Ladies night, or, One Step forward Two Steps back.

To say that my Life (yes with a capital L!) has been going through some changes in the past weeks or months is an understatement. It has been a regular whirlwind. Usually I survive these whirlwinds just fine. It is after the wind dies down that my personal turmoil begins. This is the kind of freak I am. Below the story of the meltdown that was expected for some time now by everyone but me..

There has been a lot transitioning going on and as the icing on the cake, as the last step, I had to let go of the Kid for three nights a week. The new schedule started three weeks ago. I was fully prepared, his bag was packed with all his necessities: ukulele, baby doll, pacifiers, wipes, pillow, toothbrush, basically everything he owns I stuffed into bags and brought along. Totally organised and master of this situation.

Until I came home and had a mini melt down. I have not been alone in the house in 3.5 years and suddenly there was this silence, this gaping hole. So, of course in true dramatic fashion I had an anxiety attack, hid myself in my new bedroom where I read some Sara Seale (look it up, no I will not be shamed!) until it passed. And it did pass. There have been times it didn’t.

To be on the safe side I decided that I needed an activity for the next time the Kid was away so I invited my girlfriends to come for dinner. It seemed like a great idea in theory. I cleaned for half a day, cooked for the other half and smartly ignored the fact I was out of breath half of the time. I could do this!

My friends arrived, wine, bubbles and beer in hand and I started silently losing it. I am quite good at hiding anxiety for some time. I served Soup and Quiche while slowly losing the feeling in my left hand. A sure sign that things have gotten a bit out of control, but still possible to turn around. Then I realised I could not really eat, or talk.

By the time I started taking of my sweater and hanging out of the balcony door for air my friends probably noticed something was wrong. Quite interesting behaviour for the only totally sober person in the room.

Anyway, it ended up with me crying at the head of the table, just not capable of keeping it together. Thankfully my friends know me and there is no judgement there. They told me that I should go to bed, and I did. They stayed for a while and I heard them laughing and talking while I calmed down in bed. Which was quite great.

Of course, I woke up the next day ashamed, disappointed in myself and actually quite pissed off at the whole situation. A sort of “it is not fair” feeling sometimes comes over me. Which is not helpful and quite childish, but that day I felt it strongly.

Since then, things have been a bit rocky, which is normal. When the balance is lost, it takes some time to regain it. Well, balance I have not had for a long time. I mean the wobbly thing that is my normal. Entering the Rocky times I had a pretty interesting week.

I went to bed at 20:30 every day, this is usually the time I stop breathing. When I went to the dental hygienist I did not have anaesthetics out of fear, and told her I was fine throughout the procedure even though it hurt like a motherfucker. I thought there was XTC in my pancakes the day before yesterday (I Knoooow) and slept in the guest room last night because my bedroom smelled funny..

Obviously, I am not great, even when I write this I am out of breath. But there are small victories and improvements. I can still go outside and meet my friends in a slightly normal fashion. Yesterday I went to a bar, I drank two teas. But I was there. This might mean that the bad phases pass more quickly than before. YAY. Just staying slightly optimistic here.

Also, my friends left the alcohol they brought which means that sometime soon I will either drink it by myself. Or will invite them over again for another try. I wonder how often I can let people come all the way to Noord just to see me burst into tears..

In the meantime, I’ll dance in the living room when I can. Just practicing. One step forward two steps backward..

Have a good weekend one and all!