Today my sister asked me if I was still writing and I had to admit that I did not know what to write. Not because nothing happened, I mean, you know, I lead a happening Life! No, because I have no progress or regression to report. Just ongoing Meh… So, apologies in advance, this Blog is about the Meh that I call Life right now.
As revealed in my last post, my therapist won’t see me no more. Can you blame her? I got on an 84 day waiting list (seriously, not kidding) for specialist care and am now on day.. maybe, 43 or something.
In the meantime, I decided it would be a good idea to go to the doctor to talk about my meds. As you guys know I cannot go very long without some kind of specialist looking me over so, for now, the GP had to do.
Sort of true, but also, when you are on meds like Citalopram you need to evaluate your doses and side effects fairly regularly.
When I came out of the GP’s office, totally baffled, I was holding a prescription to up my meds to 40mg. Which is the max. This happens so often. I go into the Doctors, 5 minutes later I am outside feeling like I have just been through a tornado and came out on the wrong side still not knowing what is up.
All I know is that she probably… very likely, thinks I am not doing so well. To be honest, going in there, I was actually thinking of going down to 20mg. Seriously, what happened? Decided I am not going up to 40! Staying in the Status Quo. MEH.
Ok that is therapy and meds covered. Oh no wait, the last advice from my therapist. Drumroll…: “you have a great sense of humour, do not use it as a shield, or as a way to deflect how you really feel”.
Yes, good advice. I mean that, she is right. I absolutely use humour, sometimes quite harsh humour, as a shield. Not even as a shield, but just to keep standing really. I even had people apologise for laughing when reading this Blog. Which is absolutely unnecessary since I think my brain is quite hilarious too. A right old trickster.
Safe to say that advice left me with another case of the MEH’s. Because, although true, I don’t know if I can face Life without my shield (read “Open the Floodgates” for an idea of what that would look like). I don’t know how to leave the armour at home for the hour of therapy I get once a week. Only 43 days to figure that one out.
So much for the therapy and meds update. For the rest, I do not think it is that bad really if I am honest. Just middling. I went out to dinner a few times successfully, but not completely comfortable. I went on the craziest office boot camp ever and bravely (with tears in my eyes, sometimes) did most of the things asked of us. Of course, not everything, but still.
Honestly, my biggest battle is with Vitamin D right now. Which I must take but am scared too. Me and the jar of pills have some stare-offs in the morning, but until now, one month in, fear has won.
That is where the MEHness comes from. I am getting better, but it is taking soooo long. It takes forever! And my mind (let’s be honest, Me/I) keeps adding new fears to replace the old ones. There seems to be no end in sight.
I am, by nature, very impatient and the numbness side-effect of the pills is also taking hold, which is annoying too and meh meh meh.
I think it is better if I get back to you guys when I have found some sass back! I am starting to annoy myself now, I don’t even want to think about what it is doing to you, poor reader. Hope my MEH did not rub off on ya! Thanks for baring with me.
Wishing you all the Sass!