For some reason this is the hardest Blog I wrote for a long time. Not because it is a particularly difficult topic for me, or a very dramatic one but because I find it extremely hard to explain what happens to my muddled Self during Spring.
Last year around this time I started this Blog and my venture into taking Citalopram. I was at the lowest and scariest point that I had experienced for a long time and that may be part of the cause for my Spring apprehension. I love it (seriously) but fear it at the same time.
When you are over-sensitive, which I am (duh), winter can be a relief. It throws a blanket over Life. All that hard loving, intense feeling, anxiety, deep sadness and super happiness gets dulled down a bit and becomes manageable (people around me concur), albeit a bit depressing.
Spring brings all that turmoil to the foreground again. At least for me. When the sun comes out and everything starts growing my partially hibernating brain starts working at high speed again. Getting more input but also waking forgotten and repressed thoughts. Life becomes more intense.
It does not only affect me, nope, it affects everyone. At least here in dreary Holland it does. We suffered a particularly moody, dark winter. Apparently February only had 6 hours of sun. Vitamine D shots for everyone!
Now, Spring finally came and with it the rampage that seems to wash over Amsterdam and its inhabitants during this time of year.
All off a sudden more people than ever bike to work. Apparently there are fair weather cyclists out there. This leads to actual Bike traffic jams in the mornings and some extreme frustrations on my part when I try to get to work (impatience is a burden I carry).
Cans of tourists are opened and spilled out over the already crammed streets. Terraces are full of beautiful people. Parks are flooded with half-naked (sometimes, unfortunately, less beautiful) people. It is a meat-fest out there.
Lambs get born. Legs get shaved. Gyms get used. Toenails get some much-needed attention. We do the horrible bikini shopping which is seriously torturous and extremely bad for self esteem.
We are collectively getting ready for something. The coming of Summer.
Forget staying indoors watching Midsomer Murders, the most needs to be made of the sunshine. So, an endless string of barbecues, boat trips, terrace hang sessions need to be attended because, you know, the Suns out!
That is, clearly, part of my dilemma, I cannot hide anymore. No more blaming the cold or rain, everybody’s out so why not me. Spring is here, we are happy, we are all fucking happy! My melancholic and, let’s be honest, obstinate side revolts while my outgoing side wants to join the insanity.
Spring time is basically exposure therapy to the max. Get naked, mentally and physically. Because I am still without a therapist (read Gettin’ the Boot) I will have to take the exposing into my own hands. Yes, you may insert your own joke here.
So, what I am getting at, I myself do not know. Maybe that is the whole point of this season, getting out there to see what happens. Since I am so much better than last year during this time, that is what I’ll do and am doing, intensely scary and in some cases butterfly inducing but pretty season appropriate. The worst that can happen is a bit of a relapse…
I am wondering in what way others are affected by Spring. Please share if you feel like it. I would love to know that I am not the only over-sensitive dork out here.