The other day me and B. were braving strong gales in order to have a coffee in the sunshine. B. is probably my most “out there” friend who struggles through life by my side and has the uncanny ability to throw truths in my face when I am least ready to receive them. Pretty good mirror, my B.
While the wind and the Kid were wreaking havoc with our hair, clothes and general sanity (did I mention the sun was out?), we were having one of those conversations in which you both don’t feel like talking about the stuff the other is inquiring about.
I don’t know if others have these kinds of conversations but in our case they go a bit like this: Me: “so, how is work?” B: “yeah busy, and yours?” Me: “yeah same, just struggling with some excel formula’s”. B: “ok (boring), any plans for the weekend?” Me: “Nah, don’t know yet, you?” B: “me neither..”.
So, we struggled on along those lines and basically covered all the basic topics before we came to a realisation! We are having the same conversation already for at least a year, if not two. Same work, Same men, Slightly different Anxieties, Same problems, Same housing issues, etc.
The stupid thing is that I am sure I had some epiphanies through the year. And it feels so good to have those. Epiphanies are the best, enlightening, eye opening, future forging, just great! To no avail though.
Of course, I went through some major changes when it comes to my living situation and relationship and some minor when it comes to my anxieties. But the base me, my base issues and hang ups. Still exactly the same. No change.
How incredibly depressing!
Just a few enlightening’s of the top of my head:
I am not a city person. I should move.
I am not cut out for #officelife, I should find another vocation.
I should not drink red wine when I can have white. When I drink.. obviously.
I need a dog. Now.
I need to get my driver’s license. Life would be soooo much easier if I had my driver’s license.
I should stop scaring people off by saying everything I think and feel. I scare myself sometimes.
And so on..
These are just some of the realisations I have over and over and over again. Do I actually change? Or make them a reality? Nope. Same old grind. I just keep on chugging. And! I even think that I have a legitimate excuse. Anxiety does tend to slow you down to a grinding halt. It is pretty all consuming.
Still, cannot blame this completely on the old mental illness. It seems to be a pretty universal thing. Change is just easier to talk about then to achieve. We, or I’ll say I (while meaning all of you..), am comfortable in my old shoes and having an epiphany is great, but acting on it is damn scary.
Of course, I will not disturb the Universe (T.S. Elliot, Prufrock btw.) by shutting up sometimes, quite the opposite probably but every change seems to shift a balance that was hard to find in the first place. Maybe that is why it is so hard and a bit harder for my unbalanced self.
However, maybe its worth it sometimes.
Anyway, I seem to have gone off on one of my tangents again. I would say sorry but I had this epiphany that I should stop apologising and my life would be better.
Have an epiphananous weekend! I’m sure I will..