Know that feeling of life passing you by? I know I sound like an old fart right now but that is what the last months felt like. Life just floating by, me, a hesitant participant. Just enough energy to work and make sure my friends know that I am alive and love them. As long as they don’t expect me to show up very often.

Of course this is a pretty normal January/February “I am so blue” mood but I might have dwelled in that state a bit longer than necessary already.

I was at the psychiatrist a while ago and he was yammering on, again, about me having to up my meds to get this program to work. If it was not massively impolite I would probably stick my fingers in my ears and start LALALAAA-ING every time this subject comes up.

However, then he said: “if you don’t do it and the program does not work we can easily be a year further in this process without any progress.” Well, Hello Reality! Because, if I am honest I probably have not been very well for 2.5 years already? Maybe?

How long do I really want this to go on? I am quite tired of it. I am imagining that You, my kind reader, must be exhausted by now and rightly so.

So I did it, jumped to 60 mg Citalopram exactly 10 days ago. When I proudly told the Psychiatrist he said: “ok, then you should get an ECG today”. Seriously, that was the whole reaction! I expected high fives and pats on the back.

This is what it comes to when you leave the woolly world of pseudo psychology and enter the big leagues. Where the cold hard research gets done and you (I) get left hanging on a machine to monitor if your heart can still handle the intake.

Oh he did tell me yet another lovely fact. Something about OCD working its way further into the brain if untreated. Now I feel like I have a Mole in my head. One with tiny glasses of course.

So, nothing to report yet on the actual effect of the 60mg. Yes, side effects but what’s new.
I do take it as a good sign that I am getting restless though. Not satisfied anymore by just reading a book at night. Something seems to be brewing, stirring inside. Gonna work with that, and get back in the Saddle!

Besides riding that horse (I know…something about whipping it good..) I am going to write more, not just about meds and anxiety but general life I think, as far as my life is general. You know, the rat race, the staying afloat. The last months before I turn 40.!