No Filter.

Scrolling through Instagram and looking at footage of people with actual cartoon eyes and bunny ears seriously telling me what their day was like.. is just scary really. Yes, I have used filters over time, I mean, I like to look pretty. I will admit to that. I also like to look and act like me!

I think that if you would ask my friends what I am like, they will probably tell you I am totally unfiltered. They will also inform you that before you tell me anything private you better  make me promise “not to tell anyone”. Not because I gossip (I do sometimes) but because I am too open about myself and sometimes too open about others.. which is a no go, I know..!

Because I am so open about everything and feel comfortable that way I sometimes jump in and presume everyone feels that way. They do not. I am still learning that on a daily basis.

Don’t think I know no shame, I absolutely do. Unfortunately the embarrassment always comes later, after the deed has already been done. It has caused me many sleepless nights over my 39 years.

Yes, my blabbermouth gets me into awkward situations. Like today at work when I was in a conference call and told about 11 people whom I have never met, from across the globe, that I was glad the call took little time because I needed to go to the toilet. Why? I do not know why, it just comes out.

Or imagine me, falling in love. I mean.. Hard to get? How does one even do that?! I can tell you I am just incapable of timidly waiting on the sidelines or not saying anything. Trust me, I’ve lost me some boys this way. I comfort myself by imagining that they are beating themselves up with regret now.

The cause of this emotional incontinence might be my upbringing plus simple genetics. My mother has no filter either. I grew up listening to her talking to her friends and me, I might add, about basically everything. Yes this included her sex-life with my Dad..  (sorry Mama, but really!!).

My Father also has his fair share to account for. He was actually overheard saying “its always the ugly ones” when a waitress was not fast enough the other day. We blame this unfiltered harshness on the stroke he had that turned him into Papa 2.0. His 1.0 was only slightly less awkward. Entertaining though!

But, it is also just me and my genes. Because my sisters are way better at keeping their mouths shut and as far as I know they have had the same upbringing. As my mother says: “you are cursed with your Dads and Mine worst qualities.” Yup, she says that, quite often. And I can tell you the unfilteredness is not even the worst!

Anyway, why am I boring you with this family stuff and my no-filters? Because some people wonder why I write and talk about having mental health issues so openly when it is something that will not always work in my favor.

I mean, how beneficial is the fact that when someone types my name in the Google search bar they stumble upon my complete mental state? That’s Tinder ruined for me isn’t it! Not to mention some employers who would not be very impressed.

However, this is the way I deal with Life. As long as I talk about it and I am not keeping it in, it is less hard. Because Life can be insane, funny, amazing and very shit at times and the only way it becomes manageable for me is by being open about it.

It also invites others to be open, I find. Give me a true, real shit story any day over having yet another conversation about what everyone is up to this Summer. No, please just tell me your shit! Tell me why you could not sleep last night or what your relationship is like truly. It does not have to be shit of course. Just real.

No Pressure.. and yes I do realise vacation plans are real too.

I don’t know. Sometimes I just wish everyone was a little more unvarnished. Rough edged. Who knows, they might wish that I would get my varnish on and shut up!

Sorry, I Can’t!