My Mom used to say that after 40 all the insecurities I battled with would simply melt away, they would become irrelevant. What she forgot to mention is that after 40 a whole new slew of insecurities would come my way. She now, of course, has changed her tune and says she always said 50. Thanks Mom!
First of all, there is of course, the looks part. Which at 40 are not what they were at 30. Lines in my face, sagging skin-flaps, weird growths (less gross than that sounds..I think) and feet that seem to become more knobbly by the day are a daily reminder of time passing. The new, extra bright, lamp I found in the bathroom this morning was a real shock to the system let me tell ya..
But more importantly I think it is a question of having to reinvent myself and not being completely sure how. At some stage over the past years my OCD got so bad it consumed me and when I finally realised that I started a yearlong battle to get better. Which was all consuming as well.
Now, after the shitstorm died down and I claimed back the headspace that was formerly taken up by thoughts of expiration dates and peanut butter, I find I have become this different person. A very careful and insecure person, still walking through life on eggshells.
Sure, I can go out and have dinner and have one glass of wine. And I mean one, not more. I can eat peanut butter, with some trouble, but I can. I can take my pills without checking 10 times if I did not take too many. I can do the things that are necessary to have a “normal” life.
Still, I am not satisfied. I want more. Which brings us back to the reinvention of me. l know, this is becoming a pretty repetitive post, please bare with me. Which is where I find myself stuck. Because at the risk of getting all philosophical. Who am I? Do you know? Because at the moment I am not so sure.
The positive is that I actually have the headspace to think about this. The negative is that I am too scared and insecure to act. Too scared to order something off a menu without knowing what it is. Too scared to drink more than one glass of wine. Too insecure to go on a date. Too scared and insecure to have sex for the first time in years.
Too damn scared to step outside the safe lines I have drawn for myself over the past years.
And therein seems to lie my answer. It is time for a whole new round of exposure to widen the circle I have carefully drawn and step outside of my own boundaries. Oh, the journey we’ll have! Man… I am terrified. Will keep you posted.
After this pretty exalted piece of my mind. I am so sorry will do better next time. I’m wondering or am pretty sure that others are reinventing themselves at times as well. Any tips and tricks are welcome. Please help a woman out!
This is not a new theme for me, I forgot but I had already written about being insecure before in 2017 here. So if you’ve just read this whole post feeling a strange sense of deja vu. That would be correct. No growth here, just a big pile on.