Waking up at 41, wondering what the fuck I did during my 40th.

When I woke up on the 22nd of June and realised, I had turned 41 it made me sort of sad. Not because of the age.. I have already accepted the tragic fact that I am over “the Hill”. Struggling with that notion will just make the process more painful.

No, it was because I had the horrible feeling nothing had happened during my 40th… an empty year that I had spent working and raising the Kid and doing little else. I know, for fuck’s sake, that raising a kid is the most important thing ever and all that malarkey, but come on.. a girl needs some side action.

Anyway… after really waking up I realised that 40 actually was quite the year, surviving 40 was an accomplishment. a Feat! I know, my mind is a fickle fickle thing.

When I turned 40, I was actually in the middle of an OCD storm. I could barely eat a thing for fear of being allergic or, at some extra weird stage, for fear of being poisoned. I did not leave the house except for work or to do something with the Kid. Let’s be honest, my life was quite tragic.

To get out of it I did the scariest thing I think I have ever done. I joined Group Therapy with other weirdo’s like me and faced my fears head on… sort of. I know you know and must be thinking… blabla she ate peanut butter bla.. can that girl not write about anything else? But, what I am trying to say is… 40… brought me quite a lot.

Since group therapy is done it feels like I am still in recovery, navigating the world carefully and rediscovering who I am and most importantly what I want.

Sometimes I do take big steps. I even managed to move from Amsterdam to Zutphen last year which at times feels like the best thing I could have done and at other times feels like the most moronic thing ever! I know, I have no middle ground and Drama is still a much-deserved nickname.

These days I also go out to dinner, have glasses of wine, sleep over at other people’s houses and drumroll please.. had sex for the first time in years, a big and much dreaded step. Which I might or might not write a post about, no details I promise (you know you want them tho..).

And all these things happened during my 40th. Which means that it was actually an amazing year!

Now at 41 and with more headspace I am noticing that MamaDrama has slowly changed just like I have. It started as a journey through my battling of a Panic Disorder and OCD and now that I have a bit of control over my mental health I am wondering if there is still relevance in it and thought about stopping.

However, I am not there yet, where-ever there may be so I will just keep taking you on this journey with me as long as you’re interested.

Thanks for being there during my 40th! Could not have done it without you.