Tad bit Negative.

Of course I was aware, but after reading through my previous posts the other night I realised, again, that I am quite a negative person. Sarcasm, Irony, Cynicism, I’ve got them all down. It is positivity I have a hard time with. I mean, there is so much stuff in life that is damn annoying.…

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New Year’s Eve.

Today is the 1st of December. The jolliest month of the year has started and so has the nightmare of figuring out with whom and how to spend these days. Christmas is usually quite easy, you hop from friends to family to friends, eat too much, watch All you need is Love and eventually pass…

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Insecurities. or. Who am I?

Lately I have been quite insecure about a few too many things. Mainly about the way I look, the way I act and how my anxiety, mom-hood and ageing have changed me. I am wondering, how much of the me I used to be, is actually left now? I think the insecurity started once I…

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Mama Day.

Yes, he is the best thing that ever happened to me. Yes, I love him more than I have ever loved anything or anyone else. But for fuck sake this child rearing business is not as easy as people make it out to be. I think I must have been spared the terrible two’s since…

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Meds day 179. Memories..

I have been popping pills for 179 days. Make no mistake, before that I also used an extraordinary amount of Oxazepam (tranquillisers). It is probably about more than a year ago that I did not need, or at least, take any pills. But since I started taking Citalopram I have had exactly 179 in varying…

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When the floodgates open.

I have always wanted to be a pretty crier. Since I do so much of it, that only seems fair. One of those girls who can casually let tears roll down their alabaster skin, no redness, weird mouth action or just plain face meltdown. All waterproof all the time. Unfortunately, I am not that, I…

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Exposus Maximus.

Without any prompting from my therapist I decided last weekend to be uber-brave and go see a show in Utrecht. My friends are in the country and since I have avoided going to see them play for quite some time I thought I should just go for it. Anxiety be damned! I had the whole…

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Got the Skinnies.

Losing weight is mostly seen as a good thing. The skinnier the better! And I must admit, I am like that as well, I love being skinny. After my pregnancy, I complained for two years about my belly, thighs, legs and three chins. Well not anymore, I am skinnier then ever and it is starting…

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Therapy Part 2, the Drinking challenge.

You know that moment your therapist tells you to start drinking every day? No? Me neither, because it is insane! Until it happened to me and I followed orders. Sort of. First of all, I’ve got a “new” therapist. The “old” one was pregnant and had to go on leave, so me and all my…

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The Vacation, or, the Insect bite that caused the house of cards to collapse.

And then it got silent for a while. Quite a long while. My excuses are a few disappointing happenings. Here I was, going through life thinking, hey I’m doing so much better, these anti-depressants are working. Ok, I still freak out over some weird stuff but I have it under control. Sort of…  Full swagger…

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The Kid’s Birthday and the Aftermath.

They tell you a lot of things when you are pregnant. How breastfeeding is the best way to feed the baby, forgetting to tell you how incredibly painful it can be. How this is the most beautiful time of your life, while your relationship is slowly dying and you sit there, patiently listening, with bra…

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Therapy for the Anxious. 1.

Inevitably everyone who suffers from an anxiety disorder will end up in therapy at some stage, so it will come as no surprise that I had my fair share of couch time. Except for never really being offered a couch to lay down on, I have been through it all. The endless digging into my…

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On the Joys of being my Friend

It is not easy to be the friend or partner of someone with an anxiety disorder. Relationships are hard at the best of times but if you are my friend or partner, chances are things get a bit crazy when I am at my best, and quite frustrating when I am at my worst. It…

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Bit of a Rant.

Anxiety can be super embarrassing, like two years ago when I had my first anxiety attack in seven years at work of all places. I was in a meeting that I ran out of because I thought I was going to die and didn’t want to do it in front of everyone (seems to be…

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One Rosé with Ice please

I think I have mentioned my love for alcohol before, or my fond memories of drinking all night long. I also happen to love functioning alcoholics. I think most of my friends fall in that category if you take that seven (was it seven?) intakes a week thing seriously. Until very recently I was happily…

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